Autism and sex
6-minute read
You really look each other in the eye? Embarrassing.
Content warning: discussion of, well, sex. Also swearing.
Craving some inspiration for this post, I went to Google Scholar and typed ‘autism and sexual behaviour.’ The results fit roughly into two categories: ‘inappropriate behaviours’ and ‘oh look, autistics have interest in sex, who would’ve thought!’. My inquery did not last long as I stumbled upon ‘[d]eviant sexual behavior includes…object fetishism, transvestism, and self-bondage…’ and closed the tab. I could tolerate some level of outdated language, but ‘transvestism’ in 2015? Come the fuck on.
I do not believe ‘transvestism’ has any ground in reality. While on the inside a trans person just feels happy to put on a dress, a cis person arousal that they mistake for being sexual¹ and thus conclude that it’s a fetish. When you frame something as a fetish, a deviance, it’s easier to pathologize it than a state of joy and belonging it actually is. To pathologize is to oppress and deny the necessary accomodations.
Just as gender dysphoria and euphoria were sexualized and pathologized by cis people observing trans people from the outside, so are autistic traits. Just how much could’ve we been doing what’s perfectly human, but is regarded as ‘inappropriate’ and ‘deviant’?
The fuck is dating?
I can’t distinguish between my autism and demisexuality. I’m not attracted to people sexually until we’re close friends. Perhaps some neurotypical could look at the likes of me and conclude that all autistics have dimished interest in sex. But on the inside that is simply not true. I’m interested, but at a certain point. When you reach it, I start to be horny all the time.
I guess you could call my approach pragmatic. How could I know if a person is any good for me if all I have of them is their look? That tells me nothing about their personality, worldview, feelings, etc.
Okay, you might wonder, this is clearly demisexuality, but what’s autistic about it? I don’t know. It just feels that way. It has to do with relying on more objective things in general. Beauty is a social contruct, too, but personality and views are more tangible.
I don’t get to be very close with people often, so I, in my mid-twenties, didn’t even have a first kiss yet, let alone sex with someone. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to. My sexual life is masturbating and sexting my remote girlfriend. Did you know that having irl relationships is a priviledge, by the way? Now you know for sure. My love and friendships are not lesser than just because they are online. Without them I’d be completely alone (and most likely dead).
Camouflaging
Sexting is cool, but there’s a caveat: If a thing involves a fellow human, I gotta camouflage, no matter how close we are.
I’m hyper-aware of how others perceive me, and even if my partner doesn’t hear and see me, I’ll perform for them. I’ll exaggerate moans. At some point I could feel like I’m trying to climax only to please my girlfriend, simply because I know she’ll be happy to hear that. They know I’m on SSRIs and it’s not like they wouldn’t be understanding. It’s still hard to focus on my own pleasure and not just hers. Can’t imagine what a disaster our first night irl will be. It’ll be obvious how tense I’m due to masking.
Consent
I always took a ‘no’ literally. If I wanna date someone and they say ‘no’, I’ll not pursue them. Before I discovered I’m autistic, I thought that that’s just what normal people should do, but apparantly neurotypical brain doesn’t work that way (sadly).
It’s awkward to ask things in a straightforward fashion. But if I don’t, how am I gonna know for sure? If there’s no ‘yes’, how could I know? What if I mistake a dubious ‘no’ for a ‘yes’ accidantally? I better not risk. The only thing that is more awkward is how the actual fuck is this not what the majority of people do! Go be brutally honest with your partner and ask them ‘Wanna have sex?’ and let them reciprocate with brutally honest ‘yes’ or ‘no’!
Eye contact
I don’t look people in the eye, not only in real life, but also while looking at photos. If I open a dating app, people’s large eyes start to drill through my very soul. It’s unnerving and makes me want to scream and run away. Eye contact is way too much stimuli for my autistic ass to handle. In case of photos it’s even more intense, because the face is closer than it normally is in real life interactions.
I never liked eye contact like they do that in porn and movies. Something like ‘Twilight’ is basically protagonists staring at each other intensely for an hour and a half. Not my love language.
But it’s especially weird in sex. If you gonna bring me some oral pleasure, can I just have it without a sensory overload? Y’know, there’re already things going on, no? Don’t faces look stupid at this angle? Oh, and also if you are the receiver, you better not ask me to look you in the eye, because my stare is… something. I get mistaken to be angry when in reality I’m just having a neutral face. It’s ten times worse when looking from above.
Stimming
Finally I’m approaching the part that actually has nothing to do with sex: Stimming by touching one’s genitalia or chest. I know I do that, like pinching nipples, knocking on a clit, or twisting pubic hair. But I may also use a vibrator as a stim toy, it really grounds me and does not at all arouse me. I wonder how much of these instances of ‘public masturbation’ they like to talk about in scientific papers is just stimming with no sexual intent in the slightest. Genitalia is just a body part. It’s society that prescribes it sexual meaning.
All of the above is just my personal experience and shouldn’t be taken as gospel. Autistic folks are all very different!
¹ Gender euphoria can manifest as sexual arousal. It comes from finally feeling love for one’s body and having enough self-confidence to engage in sexual activities. The point is, it’s not the only way gender euphoria can manifest as.
November 21, 2024 — November 21, 2024